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Computer Humour
Enjoy computer-related Cartoons, Factoids, Haiku, Murphy-type Laws, One-Liners and Quotations:
One-Liners
-My garage band "Insufficient Memory" really needs a Gig.
-Mirrors should come preloaded with Photoshop.
-Don't anthropomorphize computers - they hate it.
-RAM disk is not an installation procedure.
-The problem with troubleshooting is that trouble shoots back.
-The attention span of a computer is only as long as its power cord.
-The original point and click interface was a Smith & Wesson.
-Calm down, it's only ones and zeros.
-There are 10 types of people in the world: those who understand binary, and those who don't.
-Microsoft: you've got questions? we've got dancing paperclips!
-If at first you don't succeed call it Version 1.0
-Beta is Latin for 'still doesn't work'.
-A program is a device used to convert data into error messages.
-Once we've got the bugs ironed out, we'll be running on flat bugs.
-Computers don't make errors, what they do they do on purpose.
-A computer is almost human, except that it does not blame its mistakes on another computer.
-To err is human, but to really foul things up requires a computer.
-Artificial Intelligence is no match for Natural Stupidity.
-One reason why computers can do more work than people is that they never have to stop and answer the phone.
-Never let a computer know you're in a hurry.
-The most ominous words for those using computers: "Daddy, what does 'now formatting Drive C' mean?"
-Map Quest really needs to start their directions from #5. I'm pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighbourhood.
-Unix is user friendly, it's just picky about it's friends.
-Murphy's best friend was a computer.
-Don't make me use uppercase...
-The real problem is not whether machines think, but whether people do.
Murphy-type Laws back to top
Lowery's Law: If it jams, force it. If it breaks, it needed replacing anyway.
Maury's Law: No one is too old to learn a new way of being stupid.
Result Law: When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.
Sattinger's Law: It works better if you plug it in.
Searle's Sage Sample: The cussedness of inanimate objects is beyond understanding.
Van Roy's Law: Buy in haste - repair at leisure.
Quotations back to top
"Macintosh: we might not get everything right, but at least we knew the century was going to end."
Douglas Adams
"There are two major products that came out of Berkeley: LSD and UNIX. We do not believe this to be a coincidence." Jeremy S. Anderson
"A computer is like an Old Testament god, with a lot of rules and no mercy." Joseph Campbell
"If the automobile had followed the same development cycle as the computer, a Rolls-Royce would today cost $100, get a million miles per gallon, and explode once a year, killing everyone inside." Robert X. Cringely
"The question of whether computers can think is just like the question of whether submarines can swim." Edsger W. Dijkstra
"The 'Net is a waste of time, and that's exactly what's right about it." William Gibson
"Unix was not designed to stop you from doing stupid things, because that would also stop you from doing clever things." Doug Gwyn
"Never worry about theory as long as the machinery does what it's supposed to do." Robert A. Heinlein
"Technology's a two-way ticket. If you live by it, you can be fooled by it." Reginald Hill
"For a list of all the ways technology has failed to improve the quality of life, please press three." Alice Kahn
"People think computers will keep them from making mistakes. They're wrong. With computers you make mistakes faster." Adam Osborne
"The Internet is the world's largest library. It's just that all the books are on the floor." John Allen Paulos
"If your computer speaks English, it was probably made in Japan." Alan Perlis
"Hardware: the parts of a computer that can be kicked." Jeff Pesis
"A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing." Emo Philips
"I don't have a bank account because I don't know my mother's maiden name." Paula Poundstone
"Imagine if every Thursday your shoes exploded if you tied them the usual way. This happens to us all the time with computers, and nobody thinks of complaining." Jef Raskin
"A computer lets you make more mistakes faster than any invention in human history with the possible exceptions of handguns and tequila." Mitch Ratliffe
"In the private sector, you want more people to purchase your product you drop the price. There is but a single, well-known exception, which is Apple. Marketing people describe Apple products as 'lust objects,' which means they transcend the normal rules." Ian Robinson
"The only thing God didn't do to Job was give him a computer." I. F. Stone
"I have always wished that my computer would be as easy to use as my telephone. My wish has come true. I no longer know how to use my telephone." Bjarne Stroustrup
"See, you not only have to be a good coder to create a system like Linux, you have to be a sneaky bastard too." Linus Torvald
"Never trust a computer you can't throw out a window." Steve Wozniak
Factoids back to top
-The word 'byte' is a contraction of 'by eight.'
-Dr. Seuss coined the word "nerd" in his 1950 book "If I Ran the Zoo"
Cartoons back to top
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Haiku Error Messages back to top
I first came across this poetry at Computertaijutsu and then found some more at Quote Garden. There appears to have been a competition for Error Messages formatted in Haiku in 1998. These writers did an excellent job and deserve credit so email any missing names for updating.
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ABORTED effort: Close all that you have worked on. You ask far too much. A crash reduces Your expensive computer To a simple stone. A file that big? It might be very useful. But now it is gone. David J. Liszewski Chaos reigns within. Reflect, repent, and reboot. Order shall return. Suzie Wagner First snow, then silence. This thousand dollar screen dies So beautifully. Having been erased, The document you're seeking Must now be retyped. Out of memory. We wish to hold the whole sky, But we never will. Serious error. All shortcuts have disappeared. Screen. Mind. Both are blank. Stay the patient course. Of little worth is your ire. The network is down. David Ansel |
There is a chasm of carbon and silicon the software can't bridge Rahul Sonnad The Tao that is seen Is not the true Tao until You bring fresh toner. The Web site you seek Can not be located but Countless more exist. Three things are certain: Death, taxes, and lost data. Guess which has occurred. David Dixon To have no errors Would be life without meaning No struggle, no joy Brian M. Porter Windows NT crashed. I am the Blue Screen of Death. No one hears your screams. Peter Rothman With searching comes loss And the presence of absence: "My Novel" not found. Yesterday it worked. Today it is not working. Windows is like that. Margaret Segall You step in the stream, But the water has moved on. This page is not here. |